Let people solve their problems—don’t take responsibility for others’ problems.
Most problems are best solved at the level at which they occur—that is where you start to solve the problem.
Avoid using a message that starts with “you.” “You have a problem” will cause others to be defensive.
Use “I” messages. “I have a problem. I don’t understand (name the problem). How can we work together to solve it?”
Identify the problem—be specific without assigning blame.
Allow that others may be having a bad day. Keep the discussion at the level of the problem. Take it seriously, not personally, and avoid making personal comments.
Solve only one issue at a time.
Make sure both sides of the issue are heard.
Listen carefully, wait, and give feedback to make sure you heard what the people are trying to tell you. Sometimes they just need to be heard.
Talk about different ways to solve the problem. Ask, “What would you like to see happen?” Then choose one or two that you both agree are the “best” solutions.
Make sure you have the same understanding of what the solution is. This is done with feedback. You might say, “Thank you so much for your time. I understand that (then repeat what you understand to be the solution).”
Ask positive questions and listen to the person. “What happened?” “What do you want me to do?” “What are the possible solutions?” Help them pause and think. They might come up with their own solution.
