Back to school time of year was my mom’s favorite time of year. It wasn’t just because she had eight kids and looked forward to the quiet or things staying clean. She had a genuine excitement for a fresh start, for learning and for the new beginnings that a new school year brings. That excitement has rubbed off on me as a mom with my own kids. With that excitement can be a mix of anxiety for both parents and children.
If your child is feeling more anxiety than excitement you can help validate their feelings through attentive listening. This is easier said than done. If you notice some anxious behaviors or emotions regarding going back to school, create an environment where your child can feel safe to talk to you about it.
One of the first steps is to recognize your own feelings on going back to school. Caroline Miller of the Child Mind Institute writes, “Check in with yourself. Kids can tell if you’re nervous about school starting, so managing your own stress is a good way to help them feel calm too.”
Check your Own Temperature
Remember the story of goldilocks and the porridge? One bowl was too hot, the other too cold, but one was just right. Similarly in having conversations with your child, you don’t want to come in too hot, emotionally charged or too cold, dismissive of their feelings. Give them the space and time they need to connect with you on their thoughts and feelings. EveryDay Strong from United Way of Utah County has a great video, Safe to Talk, with practical tips on how to even out your temperature as a parent.
One sign you are coming in too hot to the conversation is the urge to lecture. A tip for that is to zip your lips. Listening to your child is vital. Sometimes even a physical action of some tape over your own mouth could be a helpful reminder. Signs you are coming in too cold are the urge to tell stories or respond rather than listen. If you notice this in yourself, a tip is to set aside distractions and observe their emotions. Have you ever been wanting to connect with someone or out to eat with them, and they bring out their phone. It sends the message that what is on the screen is more important than who they are with. The goal is to create a safe space for your child to connect with you. For all the tips, and a link to the 15 minute video see the resources below.
It’s ok to take a few deep breaths for both you and your children, even better if you can do it together. Let that parasympathetic nervous system kick in and help calm you and your loved ones physiologically. It’s ok to have a mix of nervousness and excitement. Just like my mom loved fresh beginnings, every day is a new chance to create safety and connection with your loved ones.
For more practical tips on if you are coming in too hot or too cold watch a short but helpful video from Everyday Strong, Safe to Feel
This back to school article from the Child Mind Institute has more information from the experts.
Advocating for your Struggling Child
Josh's mom was worried about him starting kindergarten. At the age of three he had fallen out of a treehouse and was in a coma for 7 hours. Coming out of ICU and eventually going home, he wasn't the same easy-going child that had gone to a playdate with some friends that fateful day. Josh's mom shared her concerns with the kindergarten teacher and that began the essential partnership between school and home that helped Josh be a successful student. A partnership between school and home is critical for student success. "Students whose families are engaged exhibit faster rates of literacy acquisition, earn higher grades and test scores, adapt better to school and attend more regularly, and graduate and go on to higher education."1
Sometimes parents need to go beyond the normal educator/parent relationship when the day-to-day activity of school is not working for their student. Every struggling child needs someone willing to step up and advocate for them. What can you do when your child does not want to go to school? Licensed Clinical therapist, Jenny Howe, helps develop school plans to get everyone on the same page. She stresses the importance of allowing our students to emotionally process their problems and find solutions. Threats and consequences might get the behavior you want, but they do not actually address the reasoning behind the negative behaviors or give our students the tools to find their own solutions.
There are three different factors for parents to consider when determining whether more support is needed: frequency, duration, and intensity. Parents need to determine the student’s normal behavior and then see if a pattern of negative behavior is developing. If those factors are increasing, it might be time to access additional support. Schools and districts have resources for students who are struggling in the school setting. Parents need to be assertive in talking to first the teacher, then a school counselor or vice principal and possibly engaging district level support services. Get to know the district director if you are not getting the support you need at the school.
Elementary school plans may include having the counselor meet the student at the car and escort them into the school in an emotionally safe way. Students might need to start the day with the counselor. Most students acclimate within the first hour. Secondary students will require taking the time to determine what is happening that creates an environment where the child would rather be outside of school.2,3
Sometimes, changes need to be made in the school experience to accommodate a struggling child. Trust your instinct! If something is not working, don’t be afraid to ask questions and urge the school to help where they can.4 Currently there are a variety of school modifications that can be made. Talk with your child’s school counselor to know what options are available to you. These options may include online classes, starting the day later, study time in school, or assisting in a class. Create a relationship of trust between you and your child and then build relationships with others that can help you be a successful advocate for your struggling child.
Why should Family Engagement be an integral part of your school improvement strategy? (2018).
EveryDay Strong Google Podcast: How do I get my child's teacher on the same page as me?”
To learn more about helping your child, Jenny suggests Lost at School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them by Ross W. Greene.
Special Education 101: A Conversation with LeAnn Wood